Intergenerational care comes with blessings and challenges. Some of you know my – soon to turn 102-year-old – mother Frances Bartlett, known by many in this community as Grandma Bartlett or simply Grandma. Some know her well enough to occasionally stop by our home in the Valley for a sit-down visit. When you do, you likely find her sitting in her big gray recliner in our living room leaning over a word search book bought at the Dollar Tree or a 300-piece jigsaw puzzle bought at Walmart. Mom survived the depression – she really knows how to stretch a dollar.
Folks marvel at how Mom doesn’t act or look her age. She remains playful and quick to remind folks who question her age and looks that, “Black don’t crack.” She loves showing off her pink Sketchers and flowery dresses gifted to her by her oldest granddaughter in Spokane. She loves sharing family stories especially stories about how spoiled she was growing-up as an only child and the difference in how my older brother and I were raised. My brother was born while Pops was off to war. Mom lived with her parents at the time so my brother was equally spoiled by both her and his grandparents. My brother was three before Pops laid eyes on him and it didn’t go well. “Spoiling” was not in Pops’ make-up! Mom’s longevity, memory, storytelling and spirits are nothing short of amazing.
She started staying with us over the winter months soon after Pops passed away in 2010. West Virginia winters are often colder and snowier than here. Fortunately, she loved to fly so friends or family would travel back and forth with her. She would stay with us until spring. She was a much younger woman back then – in her late 80s with more black hair than grey and she was very mobile. Her mobility has slowed a great deal and her hair is now totally grey.
A year before COVID my wife and I made the decision to move Mom here fulltime. She was reluctant at first but eventually gave in – we got lucky. We knew that the move had to be her choice. If it felt the least bit forced it would not go well. She was leaving the town of her birth, all of her life-long friends and the only home she ever knew as a married woman with two kids. Pops built that house with his own hands and damn near everything in it. She was saying goodbye to her known world. Change is hard and challenging!
We moved her in the same home where my wife and I raised our four children. We were briefly empty-nesters living in a ranch style home with a finished downstairs. We moved Mom into our bedroom on the main floor and my wife and I retreated to the lower level.
Moving her across the country proved to be the easy part. It’s been six years now. Losing her independence and relying more and more on others continues to be hard on her. She still misses her home and friends back East. For me, being a live-in caregiver can be especially hard at times – in addition to losing my own independence. Unlike raising children and watching them grow and becoming more independent, Mom is heading in the opposite direction. Seeing and experiencing those changes in her is hard. When putting on her socks and shoes or when cutting up her food, I have to think that it’s only fair – it’s my turn. We don’t go shopping together anymore. Now I shop at the Dollar Tree and Walmart without her. Her leaving the house has been reduced to doctors’ appointments. When helping her in and out of the car she will sometimes utter, “I’m so much trouble.” I reply, “But you’re good trouble, Mom.”
My wife and I are both retired now so sometimes I get a little resentful that we are not living the “retired” life I thought we would. Fortunately, there are many more good days than bad. We both recognize how blessed we are to have Mom here with us. She makes us laugh daily and loves hugging her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She reminded us recently that, “I don’t mind sticking around as long as my mind stays good.” For me, it is love and care coming full circle in a way none of us could have imagined. Being a caregiver comes with blessings and challenges – like when Mom thanks me for doing the simplest things for her. I wonder if I ever said the same when the situation was reversed – likely not. Come by for a visit and plan to sit for a while.
Dr. Bartlett is a retired educator. He retired from Gonzaga University in 2007 and Eastern Washington University in 2020.